alchemising anger

What is your relationship with anger?

My life has been characterised by it, except that until this year, I didn't realise it was an emotion I even *had*. But in reality, it was so pervasive that I didn't know how to parse it from other emotion - I was, and still am, swimming in it. A lot of the emotions that I experience have been defined by an undercurrent of this suppressed existential rage. It created a block preventing me from experiencing the fullness, the *actuality* of my emotions in the present, because there was always an ungrieved, unprocessed sense of injustice, a sense that I had been made to feel like i did not DESERVE to feel angry.

My rage was shoved down by a desire and belief that I needed to be "good". People saw me as being peaceful and nice, and that was my gateway to "acceptance", to being liked. This was vital especially as an adolescent in a new country where everyone already had friends and I was an unwelcome insertion to their fixed social landscape. My mere existence challenged theirs, so being myself didn't seem like an option - any assertion of my true self would prove offensive and cause more isolation, more loneliness, more ostracisation.

So I played along and pretended to be at peace when inside I was exploding.

Eventually it exploded externally too, as panic attacks and bodily sickness. In the mirror I would see a woman deeply frustrated, raging at the injustices and sufferings of humanity.